loneliness

This is another post rescued from another board. I posted it on the Foyer, where a lot of people - like me - are married to devout Mormons. (TBM = True Believing Mormon.)
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Like many here, I have a compromise existence with a TBM family. We get on more or less fine as long as we don't discuss the church. So far so normal. All marriages and all families involve compromise. But this seems to lead to extreme feelings of isolation that are probably not justified.

Sometimes I feel incredibly alone. (Don't worry, this post has a happy ending.) I have thoughts and desires and ideas and feelings that I cannot share with anyone round me. I can share some things over the Internet, but even the Net has its limits. Some kinds of communication need a ton of context, body language, a longer term relationship, etc. Sometimes I look for people on the Net who think like I do. I never find them. That makes me feel even more alone - when you are alone on the Net, you are REALLY alone.

Living in a TBM home makes things worse. I cannot play music or subscribe to web sites or read magazines that would be misunderstood. Sure, I can do these things in secret, but that ain't healthy. And for the sake of harmony, I must feign interest in things that are naturally uninteresting to me. In summary, being in a TBM family, loneliness seems absolute and final. Does anyone else ever feel like that?

End of depressing part. Start of hopeful part.

Today I bought a political satire magazine. I started at the back (as you do) and found all kinds of "alternative" lifestyle and idea ads. And suddenly I realized that I was not really alone. Sure, nobody thinks exactly like me (or even close), but plenty of people know what it is like to feel different and to question things. I fit in perfectly in a very large sub group in society (the one labeled "other"). This was quite a wonderful revelation.

An even more wonderful revelation was when I realized that you do not need to fit in perfectly to be happy. You only need to be a little bit close. Plenty of people are a little bit close to me, lifestyle and goal wise. I only feel lonely because I am right in the middle of a group who are unusually different from me. But this will not always be the case. This is a choice I have made for the sake of the children, and when they are older I can choose something else. My life is not hopeless. It is extremely hopeful.

Sometimes when you're in the middle of Mormonland you have to keep reminding yourself "most of the world is NOT like this." It is so easy to forget.